C-SPAN2: The Real Trash TV

Since I first registered to vote, I’ve taken an increased interest in current events and politics because that’s what an informed voter should do. However, I could count on no hands the number of times I’ve snuggled onto the couch and tuned in to C-SPAN, or, because apparently one channel suffused with filibusters, bias, party discrimination, and monotone voices wasn’t enough, C-SPAN2. However, in light of the recent appeal by US motor companies Chrysler, General Motors, and Ford for an additional 25 billion-dollar loan, I thought it would be interesting to hear their remarks as I fell upon them whilst channel surfing.

Boy, was I in for a treat. First of all, the motor companies do have a point in that declaring bankruptcy would be devastating to the American economy. Not only would millions of Americans lose their jobs because the suppliers wouldn’t get paid what they’re owed by these big-time auto corporations, but an independent study found that 80% of Americans would not buy cars from a company who has declared bankruptcy. The domino effect would sink our economy even further into a recession.

The companies pointed out several cuts they have already made, including wages, benefits, healthcare plans, production, bonuses, etc. However, as one senator pointed out, they still managed to arrive in jets that require approximately $20,000 each just to cover the fuel. He compared the image of their arrival to someone showing up at a soup kitchen in a suit and top hat. Then, in surprisingly witty fashion, he asked the panel members if they could have “jetpooled” together. If record foreclosures, skyrocketing unemployment, and plummeting stock weren’t enough evidence of an economic quandary, now we’re asking CEO’s to “jetpool” together. Now, in their defense, they stated that the jets were needed for security reasons when traveling. Who do you think you are? Fifty Cent? You think you’re going to be mobbed by adoring fans if you wind up sitting in first class on a commercial airliner? Although, after your recent media exposure, I wouldn’t be surprised if your face received a few eggings from some angry citizens.

Also, if these guys ever played that guessing game where they think of something and you have to guess what it is by asking “yes” or “no” questions like, “Is it an animal,” or, “Is it mineral,” they would totally suck at it. They would end up pontificating about the definition of what an animal truly is and their previous experiences with them. When one senator brought up the prospect of them waiting for three months to receive this loan so that Congress can compile a list restrictions on how this money should be spent (such as not on outsourcing, the corporate jet, etc.), he asked the head of General Motors how much money they would need to hold them until then. In his roundabout, nonsensical sort of way, he basically said that they would need all of it right now. This would mean that in three months, they are planning on using up all of their loan allocation, and thus ending up back at square one. Then, either in answer to this question or another, I can’t remember, he stated that they are estimating that the loan should hold them out for at least a year, so they can get back on their feet. What? Um, that dude from “The Waterboy” called; he wants his unintelligible responses back.

On a similar note, a female senator from California brought forward the case of the dealership owners and how they are being negatively impacted by the state of the automakers. She asked them if they would be willing to allow a sum of say, a billion dollars to be dedicated to these dealerships so they can get the loans they need to purchase inventory and such. Again, they danced around the question as if it were a live ember and basically, in their roundabout way again, stated that they have already put certain things into place to help the dealerships. So, I’m guessing that’s a no?

I apologize for being as long winded as these CEO’s themselves, but I would like to add my question that I would pose to the panel if I were there. It’s not that different from questions they’ve already been asked, but I like the way mine is worded better.:)

“This question is directed to all members of the panel. I am reminded of a Shel Silverstein poem called ‘Smart’. It’s about a father who gives his son a dollar bill, and the son trades it for two quarters because two is more than one. How do we know that after we approve this loan, you’re not going to say, ‘Look at how wisely we’re spending our money,’ and then return to us with five pennies in your pocket. How do we know that you’re going to help the dealerships? How do we know that this money isn’t going to be put towards more plants being built in China?

The American people are losing faith in you by the second, and you’ve got to guarantee that even though this loan isn’t going to stimulate the economy into a buoyant state, it will at least assist in maintaining neutral buoyancy. We can’t handle a downturn as large as the failure of American automakers, but we need specifics on how this loan is going to go back into our economy and not Mexico’s, where many of your cars are assembled. What specific allocations do you have for your money and what will you not do with it?”


To which the panel would undoubtedly respond with, “Blah, blah, blah, evade, evade, evade, gibberish, gibberish, gibberish, as I said earlier …” (which, P.S. what you said earlier has absolutely NOTHING to do with this question.) And then they would finish with, “Oh, and, ahmhmhmhmhmhm … I have a yacht.”

Lastly, here’s the solution I propose to end our fiscal troubles, and I am surprised that no one (at least to my knowledge) has proffered this yet. Why don’t we just ask Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick the economy back into shape? It’s just a thought….