C-SPAN2: The Real Trash TV

Since I first registered to vote, I’ve taken an increased interest in current events and politics because that’s what an informed voter should do. However, I could count on no hands the number of times I’ve snuggled onto the couch and tuned in to C-SPAN, or, because apparently one channel suffused with filibusters, bias, party discrimination, and monotone voices wasn’t enough, C-SPAN2. However, in light of the recent appeal by US motor companies Chrysler, General Motors, and Ford for an additional 25 billion-dollar loan, I thought it would be interesting to hear their remarks as I fell upon them whilst channel surfing.

Boy, was I in for a treat. First of all, the motor companies do have a point in that declaring bankruptcy would be devastating to the American economy. Not only would millions of Americans lose their jobs because the suppliers wouldn’t get paid what they’re owed by these big-time auto corporations, but an independent study found that 80% of Americans would not buy cars from a company who has declared bankruptcy. The domino effect would sink our economy even further into a recession.

The companies pointed out several cuts they have already made, including wages, benefits, healthcare plans, production, bonuses, etc. However, as one senator pointed out, they still managed to arrive in jets that require approximately $20,000 each just to cover the fuel. He compared the image of their arrival to someone showing up at a soup kitchen in a suit and top hat. Then, in surprisingly witty fashion, he asked the panel members if they could have “jetpooled” together. If record foreclosures, skyrocketing unemployment, and plummeting stock weren’t enough evidence of an economic quandary, now we’re asking CEO’s to “jetpool” together. Now, in their defense, they stated that the jets were needed for security reasons when traveling. Who do you think you are? Fifty Cent? You think you’re going to be mobbed by adoring fans if you wind up sitting in first class on a commercial airliner? Although, after your recent media exposure, I wouldn’t be surprised if your face received a few eggings from some angry citizens.

Also, if these guys ever played that guessing game where they think of something and you have to guess what it is by asking “yes” or “no” questions like, “Is it an animal,” or, “Is it mineral,” they would totally suck at it. They would end up pontificating about the definition of what an animal truly is and their previous experiences with them. When one senator brought up the prospect of them waiting for three months to receive this loan so that Congress can compile a list restrictions on how this money should be spent (such as not on outsourcing, the corporate jet, etc.), he asked the head of General Motors how much money they would need to hold them until then. In his roundabout, nonsensical sort of way, he basically said that they would need all of it right now. This would mean that in three months, they are planning on using up all of their loan allocation, and thus ending up back at square one. Then, either in answer to this question or another, I can’t remember, he stated that they are estimating that the loan should hold them out for at least a year, so they can get back on their feet. What? Um, that dude from “The Waterboy” called; he wants his unintelligible responses back.

On a similar note, a female senator from California brought forward the case of the dealership owners and how they are being negatively impacted by the state of the automakers. She asked them if they would be willing to allow a sum of say, a billion dollars to be dedicated to these dealerships so they can get the loans they need to purchase inventory and such. Again, they danced around the question as if it were a live ember and basically, in their roundabout way again, stated that they have already put certain things into place to help the dealerships. So, I’m guessing that’s a no?

I apologize for being as long winded as these CEO’s themselves, but I would like to add my question that I would pose to the panel if I were there. It’s not that different from questions they’ve already been asked, but I like the way mine is worded better.:)

“This question is directed to all members of the panel. I am reminded of a Shel Silverstein poem called ‘Smart’. It’s about a father who gives his son a dollar bill, and the son trades it for two quarters because two is more than one. How do we know that after we approve this loan, you’re not going to say, ‘Look at how wisely we’re spending our money,’ and then return to us with five pennies in your pocket. How do we know that you’re going to help the dealerships? How do we know that this money isn’t going to be put towards more plants being built in China?

The American people are losing faith in you by the second, and you’ve got to guarantee that even though this loan isn’t going to stimulate the economy into a buoyant state, it will at least assist in maintaining neutral buoyancy. We can’t handle a downturn as large as the failure of American automakers, but we need specifics on how this loan is going to go back into our economy and not Mexico’s, where many of your cars are assembled. What specific allocations do you have for your money and what will you not do with it?”


To which the panel would undoubtedly respond with, “Blah, blah, blah, evade, evade, evade, gibberish, gibberish, gibberish, as I said earlier …” (which, P.S. what you said earlier has absolutely NOTHING to do with this question.) And then they would finish with, “Oh, and, ahmhmhmhmhmhm … I have a yacht.”

Lastly, here’s the solution I propose to end our fiscal troubles, and I am surprised that no one (at least to my knowledge) has proffered this yet. Why don’t we just ask Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick the economy back into shape? It’s just a thought….

Top 5 reasons why "The Office" is the best show ever created in the history of the world

5. The Scranton branch of the Dunder Mifflin Corporation is a place where racism, sexism, and homophobia can all bring a smile to one’s face. And why, you might ask? Because such views are always touted by complete morons, thus reiterating the ridiculousness of those traits and ensuring a laugh at the expense of ignorance and stupidity.

4. Jim vs. Dwight. Their relationship is one of mutual dislike. And while Dwight’s weapon of choice in this heated office battle is being the top salesman, Jim chooses a much more innovative method for conquering his opponent: the office prank. Which one is your favorite? Where Jim puts Dwight’s office supplies in Jell-O and later in the vending machine? What about when Dwight is convinced that Jim is transforming into a vampire, or the time when Dwight’s desk is moved into the bathroom, or when Jim comes to work dressed as Dwight and does a rather flawless imitation of him? Or, how about what is possibly the most ingenious trick of all: when Jim uses Pavlov’s own classical conditioning technique to train Dwight to salivate for an altoid whenever Jim’s Windows starts up? The list goes on, and the hilarity never ceases. The days of rubber vomit and t.p.-ing are over, my friends. The inner prankster in all of us is now being held to a higher standard, and we must rise to meet the challenge.

3. The infamous boss we all wish we had and are so grateful that we don’t, Michael. As a narcissist, his first priority is his image. He hates doing anything that would diminish his standing before others. The problem is, every single word uttered from his mouth diminishes others’ opinions of him. He is a complete and utter embodiment of the word “moron”. How he managed to secure his position and retain it is beyond me, but I know that millions of fans are grateful that such an incompetent fool has not been laid off. We need more people like him in the work force to shake things up a bit and put those human resources people to work. And can’t we all relate in some way to Michael? Wouldn’t you hate someone who always called you on your crap like Toby? And who doesn’t want to date a gorgeous chair model from a magazine? All in all, I think it’s time we got in touch with the Michael in all of us.

2. The relationship between Jim and Pam. (Girlie squeal.) It’s soooo freakin’ cute how Jim has always been in love with Pam, and how perfect they are for each other, and how she called off her marriage to that bum because of him. Their camaraderie when it comes to pranking Dwight and brushing off Michael’s outlandish comments proves that they were meant to be. Who knows what is in store for the two adorable lovebirds, but their evolving relationship and (hopefully) impending engagement are reason number 2 that I watch the show.

1. Two words, one initial: Dwight K. Schrute. If you took all of the nerds, dweebs, geeks and dorks and rolled them into one ultra loser, he wouldn’t hold a candle to Dwight Schrute. Seriously, it’s one thing to be a fan of Battlestar Galactica, Lord of the Rings, and Dungeons and Dragons, and it’s another to believe that vampires and hobbits actually exist. Which living, breathing, human being would run a beet farm and date a tightwad like Angela? Only on paper and through the brilliance of a comically gifted actor could such a creature come to life. If someone like Dwight existed in my life, I would certainly be able to concoct pranks that match in brilliance with Jim’s. As it is, I have yet to meet such an astoundingly gullible geek, and it’s probably genetically impossible that I ever will.

The Perils of Exercise: A Cautionary Tale

Okay, so maybe exercise is more beneficial than perilous, but after my experience this weekend, my physical activity is going to be relegated to a resistance workout of walking upstairs to change into my fat pants, and then an upper body stretch of reaching into my cabinet to grab a snack. Oh wait, that is the only physical activity I get right now…. Anyways, many people now know about my little misadventure this weekend, but I thought that everyone could benefit from the lessons that I’ve taken away from this experience. Better to learn from someone else’s pain than feel it for yourself.

As I sit here typing, I stare at my left foot, which has swollen to twice its size, and I think about how things often happen in life for no good reason at all. Sometimes it’s just bad luck, chance, wrong place or wrong time. Either way, we can’t always pinpoint a reason for the bad things that happen to us. This instance however, is not one of those times. I know exactly whom to blame for the fact that I’m limping around with a brace on my ankle and crutches sitting in my car. That culpable individual is my very own roommate, Nikki. She already knows I blame her. You see, any time that I go out of town, there’s always some drama that occurs with Nikki back at home. Now, she’s left me in the lurch to suffer from my own drama, and if she had been here on that fateful night, (A.K.A. Friday, October 10th) I would still have full use of both of my legs. First lesson is: Nikki can never leave me. Ever.

Now, for the full story. So, there I was, grading papers (sadly enough that is my normal Friday routine) and enjoying my first viewing of “Baby Mama”. Since I had gotten paid earlier that day I had decided to treat myself to a deliciously artery-clogging meal of Raising Caine’s chicken fingers. (Which, in the words of Mike Meyers’ Scottish father in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” has “an addictive chemical in [the] chicken that makes you crave it fortnight.”) So, feeling particularly bloated and lazy, combined with the fact that the weather has FINALLY figured out that it’s fall and not summer anymore, I decided to go for a jog. What’s that, you say? Laura, who doesn’t believe in running, wanted to go for a jog? Yes, and this story will illustrate the exact reason why I don’t believe in running and why I never should have betrayed that sentiment in the first place. Lesson number two: don’t run, it’s bad for you.

So, I changed into my workout clothes, laced up my sneakers, and bounded out the door for a refreshing run in the cool, night air. Now, herein lies lesson number three: don’t ever betray Oprah. Jogging alone at night is one of the most moronic things that a girl can do, especially in Las Vegas. Practically every other “Cops” episode is filmed here for crying out loud. Jogging alone is an act that Oprah would wag her finger at and then send you reeling with stories of women who have fallen prey to prowlers while out by themselves. I however, chose to ignore the risks, including my chronically weak ankles, and set forth to burn some calories.

About three minutes into my run I was feeling pretty good about myself, and it is this feeling that usually precedes any humiliating situation. And just as Eminem was letting me know that I’ve only got one shot, I totally biffed it on the street. Now, I’m pretty sure that my first thought was “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” Followed by, “holy crap this hurts,” and then by, “I really hope no one saw that….” As I began limping back to the house, my injured pride in tow, I was reminded of a wounded animal in the wild who reeks of the stench of weakness and who is soon devoured. In other words, I saw just how vulnerable I was. That’s not to say that I live in a bad neighborhood, but evil is no respecter of persons or neighborhoods.

Upon making it home safely, I just about crapped a brick when I saw that my ankle had already swollen to the size of a baseball. I hobbled over to get some ice and then took a seat on the couch. It was there that I noticed that my knee was bleeding, but my first aid kit was upstairs and I wasn’t about to attempt to climb up and get it. So, I sat bleeding and ice-ing my ankle, fuming about the fact that I wouldn’t be able to clean my room or the bathroom the next morning like I had planned. Also, there was the slight possibility that my ankle could be fractured, and this would cause all sorts of inconveniences for me at work since I’m on my feet practically all day. Eventually, I made it upstairs, got cleaned off, and literally crawled into bed. Between the pain and worry though, it was near impossible to sleep. I woke at 7:30 the next morning (not by choice…) and eventually found my way to an urgent care center, care of Ashley since my internet wasn’t working and I couldn’t look up any phone numbers.

After waiting too long, they took me in to get an x-ray of my foot and I sat down on the table. Then, to add insult to injury (literally), the x-ray tech asked me which ankle it was. Which ankle?! The one that’s the frickin’ size of a blimp, lady! Are you calling my other ankle fat? I can’t walk in front of you! Anyways, long story made short, it’s not broken. However, it’s really difficult to put weight on it so I have an ankle brace and crutches. Now, here’s where Karma steps in to play her part. You know how there are those kids who think that crutches are cool, and they always want to try walking with someone else’s? Well, I wasn’t one of those kids. I’d always laugh at the poor sucker that had to use them and think how lucky I was that I could walk unaided. Now, my biceps and triceps are incredibly sore and I have bruises underneath my arms. Lesson number four: go ahead and laugh at people’s misfortunes, because eventually you’ll have your own and then you’ll be too disconcerted to laugh.

Well, that pretty much covers my weekend. I hope yours was a lot less educational. Stay tuned for what happens next, because I still have a couple weeks before Nikki returns. Until then, I’m not safe.

Breaking the Champagne Bottle

You know how they "christen" (not sure if that's the right word... might be a little sacreligious...) new boats by bashing the champagne bottle against the side? Well, consider this my broken bottle of the bubbly. As my first official post on this blogspot, I hereby christen this blog, "Live it, Love it, Blog it."

Naming this page posed a slight challenge for me, and it took all of five minutes to finally fill in that tauntingly empty box with a fitting title that was me, only not as boring.:) You live life, because the alternative kind of sucks, and while you may not love everything that happens as a result of living, you certainly love the fact that you are living. Then of course, you carry the weighty burden of sharing life's hilarities, heartaches, and surprises with fellow members of the online community. Call it group therapy, call it a cry for attention, either way, the human soul needs an outlet. Hence, the blogspot. So, type away my little attention-starved neurotics, the internet has done it again.